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October 24th, 2008
03:28 pm - And so it ends
The passenger door opened. "Your keys," she said, dropping a brown envelope on the passenger seat before closing the door again. The person at the door greeted us with a friendly, "Registration?" Her face noticeably fell when we answered, "Cancellation." Likewise the person at the counter. The second floor was empty. It took less than a minute for our number to buzz on the clinic-like display panel. We entered the room, filled up and signed the declaration forms, got our ICs back, and that was that. The entire process took less than five minutes. Neither of us said goodbye.
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01:32 am
Today I went to the wake of an old NCC friend of mine. I hadn't seen him in 16 years (ever since we were in Sec 4), but I got a message over Facebook about his passing, and naturally I was shocked.
There were five of us at the wake, two I know well and two that I also hadn't seen in more than a decade. Yet the conversation was comfortable and not at any point awkward. We found out from his sister that he had committed suicide, and quite determinedly so too. He had apparently been depressed for quite a few years now, and this wasn't his first suicide attempt, so his family wasn't taking it as badly as you might imagine. Ironically, all of us remembered him to be a rather happy-go-lucky kind of a guy, which was also the feedback from many of his other friends, according to the sister. Over the conversation with one of the two that I hadn't seen in ages, I heard that another acquaintance, this time a JC-mate, also passed away just a few months ago of some heart trouble. Sad news indeed. I don't think that I'm really affected very much by their passing in the sense that I was never really very close to them, nor did I keep in touch after we left school. But more than anything else, this has made me feel the proverbial "wah, life is damn fragile man!" Guess it would be timely now to re-evaluate my life, and to make sure that I live it fully, and not get mired in anything that would get me down, including (and perhaps especially) the past. It's time to move on, people!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhuntp.gif) determined
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October 19th, 2008
10:38 pm - Good job!
Last Friday, I found out that eight of my Sec 1 N(T) students have qualified for lateral transfer to the N(A) stream (meaning they got more than 70% overall over the whole year). That's actually very good, considering that we've got only about 60 Sec 1 N(T) students this year, whereas in the past, with about 75 Sec 1 N(T) students, we'd usually only get about three or four students qualifying for lateral transfer to N(A).
So I'm glad, because I take that as a sign that our programmes are working and bearing fruit, both in terms of academic engagement and learning, as well as overall character development and motivation. Of course, whether or not they should actually transfer to the N(A) stream is another matter entirely, dependent largely on their individual subject results, especially their English, Maths and Science. I've already spoken to them collectively and individually on Friday, and then asked them to go home and discuss it with their parents. We'll see what their decisions are tomorrow. :)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyp.gif) pleased
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October 18th, 2008
09:43 am - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow -- Paula Abdul
I just love love love this song! Such an absolutely fun dance song! :)
All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow
Today just wasn't my day
Everyone's getting me so fed up
I've gotta find a way
I know what can make me feel better
Stepping out in my best
Looking hotter than ever
Wherever the party is
That's where I'll be in a second
I'm so ready to move my body
Forget about all my problems
When I hear that song
I'ma lose control
Hey, here I go
All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow
I'm loving the atmosphere
Feels like I'm floating in heaven
The music's all in my ear
Taking over me
My heart's racing
Feeling so Hollywood
How I got everybody staring
Their eyes are the cameras
And I'm loving all the attention
Get up, 'bout to move my body
Forget about all my problems
They're playing my song
I'ma lose control
Hey, here I go
All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow
Please DJ
Don't say it's the last call
Cause I know what it means
And I don't want you to play no slow song
I'm still building the nerve to talk to that guy
Just give me another song and make it right
All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow
All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhyperp.gif) energetic
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October 15th, 2008
07:46 am - I'll Stand By You -- The Pretenders
Oh, why you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cos I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Cos I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cos even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
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October 14th, 2008
12:26 pm
I miss them.
I wonder if they know.
Or if they even care.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadp.gif) sad
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October 13th, 2008
12:08 pm - Two songs
There are two rather contrasting songs that have been playing in my head recently. So here they are.
In My Life -- The Beatles
There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one (that) compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I loved you more
I Am A Rock -- Simon and Garfunkel
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island
Don't talk of love
But I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armour
Hiding in my room; safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
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October 6th, 2008
07:09 am
I had been steadily putting on weight over the past few years, and I maxed out at 78kg sometime towards the end of the June holidays (which is really quite heavy, considering I'm only 1.69m tall - borderline obese, I believe my BMI told me). Alarm bells went off, and I started my usual no-soft-drinks diet. The first 5kg dropped off quite fast, and then it kinda hit a plateau. But maybe it's the soccer or whatever, but yesterday when I weighed myself, the scale read 68kg. Woohooo! :)
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Yesterday's soccer match went very well from a personal standpoint. I managed to last the entire game without needing to be substituted, which was the first thing that I wanted to achieve, so that was good. I also made a few good tackles, interceptions, etc., so that was good too. But the best part was probably the referee saying to me in broken English at the end of the game, "You, no good ball player, but very hardworking." Well, he meant that as a compliment, even if a little backhanded, so as a compliment I'm going to take it. :D
Current Mood: pleased
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October 2nd, 2008
06:14 pm
She has moved on, and so shall I.
We're both good at that, anyway.
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10:19 am - Looking forward to a relaxing day...
I've finally finished a lot of the things on my plate, except for some PPT slides that I've got to do for tomorrow's meeting with Supt, clearing the 30+ 40+ unread emails in my inbox, following-up on Tuesday's presentation by Apple, and various other admin stuff on MOE intranet.
Wait a minute, that doesn't sound like a very relaxing day after all. Sigh... and there I was thinking that today could be a day of rest before my exam papers come in tomorrow. :(
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anktiredp.gif) tired
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October 1st, 2008
07:41 pm
Last Thursday, I got an sms from an old NIE friend, inviting me to play a full-field soccer game on Sunday as his team didn't have enough players. It had been four years since my last soccer game - a teachers versus students game back in 2004, also full-field - but I had actually been craving soccer for a long time now, so naturally I jumped at the opportunity.
I took out my old soccer boots to check on their condition, only to realise that the outer layer was totally cracked and peeling from four years of neglect. Hoping that Sunday would be the start of me getting back to playing soccer, and not just a one-off thing, I got myself down to Queensway and bought a pair of cheap $89 soccer boots, and a pair of socks since my old ones were totally dead too.
So anyway, Sunday came along, and I went for my soccer game. And I totally SUCKED! My match-fitness is now so bad that I was down to jogging pace halfway through the first half! And to think that back in JC, I was one of the "mad runners" on the pitch. Naturally, I played really badly, and I figured that was the last bit of soccer action that my boots would see.
But yesterday, I got an sms from my friend, inviting me to another game this Sunday! So either I didn't play as badly as I thought I did, or else his team is really short of players. Unfortunately, I suspect it's the latter. But hey, beggars can't be choosers, right? If they're willing to call me back, I'm so there! :D
Current Mood: bouncy
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September 30th, 2008
08:04 am - Breakdown - Jack Johnson
I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around And see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame I'm looking through
Seems to have no concern for now
So for now
I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
This engine screams out loud
Centipede gonna crawl westbound
So I don't even make a sound
Cause it's gonna sting me when I leave this town
All the people in the street
That I'll never get to meet
If these tracks don't bend somehow
And I got no time
That I got to get to
Where I don't need to be
So I
I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I wanna break on down
But I can't stop now
Let me break on down
But you can't stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You don't know nothing
But you don't need to know
The wisdom's in the trees
Not the glass windows
You can't stop wishing
If you don't let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the blinds down low
I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown
I wanna break on down
But I can't stop now
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksleepyp.gif) exhausted
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September 28th, 2008
08:01 am
I'll be watching the F1 tonight!! From the top of one of the VIP suites, no less. SWEEEEEEET! :D
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September 26th, 2008
05:09 am
I'm about to go and get ready to go for the final day of my five-day ICT. And while I'm not about to reveal my reservist unit or anything, let's just say that the exercise proper only started and ended on Day 4, which meant that Days 1 - 3 were honestly spent doing nothing other than talk-cock-sing-song-wait-for-makan-time, and Day 5 is just out-processing.
And while I know that some of my reservist-mates appreciated the "break from work", I actually have a lot of work to clear that I'd much rather have been clearing. And I'm sure there have to be better ways to spend taxpayers' money than this. Bah!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankangryp.gif) aggravated
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September 23rd, 2008
10:29 pm
"I've discharged what I had to do... every day is a bonus. I take every day as it comes. I see the sun rise, I see the sun set. I eat less than I want to. I swim and I cycle. I sleep well at night, and I enjoy my work." - MM Lee Kuan Yew, in a CNN interview one day before his 85th birthday
Goodness. Will I be able to say that when I turn 85, assuming I even live that long?
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06:01 pm
Reservist has been extremely slack so far. Which has been good, of course, as that has allowed me to do my own work instead, which of course never ends.
Things looming on the horizon:
1. I've got to finish vetting all NT EL papers really soon, as they have to be printed by this Friday, 26 Sep. Of course, the OSO in my school would probably still do them for me if I gave them to her on Monday, but that wouldn't be very nice.
2. I've got to finish the proposals for my school's Elective Modules by Monday, 29 Sep, so that my Supt can counter-sign them and we can submit them to HQ by 1 Oct. Of course, because I kay kiang and want to only offer Cat A EMs and WSQs to my students, I've got a helluva tight runway for this one, as this requires a fair bit of liaising with WDA, ITE, and a vendor called GNS (not to be confused with GNC), which I need to do even while I'm at reservist.
3. Then of course there are all the meetings next week: Mark II Curriculum meeting on Monday, presentation by Apple on Tuesday (we're exploring using the iTouch for teaching purposes), launch of new horse-riding CCA at Turf Club on Wednesday (yes, I know it's a public holiday - what's your point?), visit to Drug Rehabilitation Centre on Thursday, and ranking meeting with Supt on Friday.
4. Assuming I survive all three aforesaid points, I then have to gear myself up for all the marking that's going to come in next Friday, 3 Oct. Thankfully, all my 4NT marking's already done because their prelims were back in August.
5. And while the marking's going on, I have a visit to the SWCDC Career Centre on 6 Oct, a cluster KP discussion forum on 10 Oct, and I'm speaking at an NIE forum on "Managing and Engaging Learners in an EL Classroom" on 14 Oct.
And I think that should nicely take me to the last day of school. Pant pant!
Current Mood: hyper
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September 21st, 2008
09:09 am - The short version
It's of course not just one single thing, but the real clincher was that I realised that I can't handle the religion thing. We were stupid and naive, and I didn't realise and neither did she (although you might think she should have) the full extent of what converting meant.
Put simply, and for various reasons initially, my preference was for us to have a civil marriage. But her parents and family are quite pious, and she said that they would disown her. And in any case she didn't want to hurt them in that way, cos apparently it's a huge sin for the parents if the child renounces Islam.
Anyway, so I thought I'd be okay converting, and I've been attending these conversion classes and all that since the start of this year, and I was really trying to be into all that, trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, but I've actually been getting steadily more uncomfortable and resentful as the year went on.
There are certain things that I'm totally fine with, e.g. fasting. In fact, I'd fasted the whole month already. The whole not-eating thing really doesn't bother me much. But as the classes went on, I started realising all the rest of it.
What about my children, I started to ask. To my two closest friends, both born Catholics (they're Eurasian), the answer was obvious when I mentioned this to them, "They'll be Muslim lah!" But to me, that seriously wasn't what I wanted. I mean, I could choose to practise the religion, to make the sacrifice for her, but I definitely didn't want my children to be born into it, without being able to choose for themselves when they got older.
And Islam isn't like other religions. If my kids were Buddhist and they decided to renounce it, there would be no questions asked. Even if they were Christian it still wouldn't be so bad. But Islam is a much more restrictive and controlling and pervasive religion than the others.
And the thing about Islam is that it covers all aspects of life. Even things like estate management. For example, I found out during my Marriage Guidance Course that my estate would be managed according to Syariah law even if I'd written a will.
Of course, many people have said to just convert in name, but never practise any of it. But it isn't so easy in Islam to do that, especially if you're the guy, and you happen to pride yourself on being a pretty good (not perfect, but pretty good) role model. I wouldn't want to ever deal with my students questioning why they should go for Friday prayers, since Mr Tan doesn't.
And of course, I wouldn't want my children to grow up screwed up either. Can you imagine if they're allowed to behave as non-Muslims at home? They'd be so confused every time they visit their cousins, for example. And once they get older and start school? Even worse! They would have to endure taunting and teasing from the other kids about how they're "naughty" Muslims, or how their parents are "bad people" and don't know how to teach them properly, etc. And the worst thing of all, they might actually start believing that they're "bad people" too.
And bottomline, I just don't want to live a lie. I think it's different for non-practising born Muslims. They were born into the religion. They didn't really have a choice about it, or rather, choosing to renounce the religion would have resulted in huge family upheaval and hurt. So they choose the lesser of the two evils, and they just live that lie. And even many other Muslims would understand, and just close one eye.
But I do have a choice here. And I really don't want to start out our marriage knowing that we'd be living a lie, knowing that I'd be unhappy and resentful. Can you imagine everyone else happy and celebrating on the wedding day, and the only one miserable and resentful is the bridegroom? How horrible that would be!
And of course, because we were so stupid and naive, and because I just did not know how to communicate all this to her, knowing how I would hurt her, not seeing any way out of the situation, we had actually been going ahead with all the wedding preparations (which was supposed to have been on 29 Nov) instead of dealing wth the issue of me converting and us having a Muslim marriage. So naturally, as the date loomed closer, I just started getting more and more uncomfortable and resentful.
Anyway, so all that finally built up into a big talk one night (on 19 Sep), and we realised that we were stuck. Put bluntly, I didn't love her enough to want to live with all the things I just talked about, and she didn't love me enough to want to turn her back on her family and have a civil marriage. So we realised there was only one way out, and we decided to break the news to her parents that very night.
Her parents were of course hugely disappointed, but they were actually also glad that I realised this and talked about it before the wedding, rather than after it. Her mum was very upset, and I felt so guilty about it. Apparently, it's a huge sin if a person brings another person into Islam, and then that person renounces it. So she was feeling like she would never be able to atone for this sin and all that. She also said that she had been praying for me everyday, praying that I would be able to accept Islam, and for Allah to guide me to the right path. And she asked why Allah was refusing to hear her prayers. It was honestly very painful to hear and watch. :(
Well anyway, I guess I'm still grand-scheme-of-things okay, although of course in the here-and-now I'm not quite okay yet. But I will be. Eventually.
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September 20th, 2008
01:26 am
What I would have thought impossible a year ago has happened.
And now I await the fallout.
It will be bad.
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September 19th, 2008
09:51 am - EDA Graduation Ceremony
I attended the graduation ceremony of my two EDAs yesterday. EDA stands for Education Associate, and they're the pioneer batch resulting from MOE's new approach of starting to engage more para-professionals to complement the existing teaching force.
One thing impressed me in particular - the very obvious camaradarie among all the EDAs. That can only be a good thing, as I'm sure all 35 schools that qualified for the first batch of EDAs would have similar problems, and such high levels of friendship and communication among the EDAs can only lead to better ideas and approaches to helping the kids.
So congratulations, John and Louisa! Here's to more good times helping the kids. *Toast*
Current Mood: impressed
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September 18th, 2008
08:35 am
I had a very fruitful meeting with one of the directors of WDA yesterday. Basically, WDA's charter is to provide Continuing Education and Training (CET) for our entire nation's workforce. As such, they have these things called WSQs, or Workforce Skills Qualifications.
How that links to me is that here in secondary schools, we already have this thing called the Elective Modules (EMs), which is basically where the NA/NT students go out to attend these (usually) 20-hour modules, intended to give them some applied learning opportunities, and perhaps also give them a better idea of which course they want to take in ITE.
So I was thinking, instead of just getting the students to go for a 20-hour module where all they get is a certificate of attendance, why not try to extend it a bit, but at the end of it, they actually get something tangible - a WSQ, and also some credit exemption in ITE. That led me to just sending a random email to their website, and the Director of the Quality Assurance Division (which is in charge of the WSQs) called me back, and after some ding-dong-ing, we set up yesterday's meeting.
Anyway, like I said, it was a very fruitful meeting. We're going to try out a pilot collaboration next year, offering one or two of their WSQs as part of our EMs. I'm excited, and I know my kids will be too! :)
Current Mood: excited
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